diary of a crumpler

When I log on to ESPN.com I expect to read some sterilized account of some young, rich spoiled brat running amuck, drunk with fame and cash.  But, this is getting rediculous!

The headline for the four above linked articles follow, for those that don’t feel like clicking through:

Henry appears in court for pretrial hearing
Police: Benson appeared drunk, was ‘combative’
Sources: Bullet casings came from Harrison’s gun
Falcons linebacker charged with battery
Ex-Lion Porcher sentanced to community service 

There is exactly ONE NFL headline that isn’t related to some type of crime or violence.

I guess you have to be a scocipath to play in the NFL.
Or do I.T. for an event management company in Fairfax

The List:
February 2008
Gift cards:  Due to my backlog of holiday and birthday gift cards to Kohl’s, (thanks Mom, Dad, Judy!) I purchased:

A Ralph Lauren sport jacket to replace a crappy Dockers blue blazer that I haven’t seen since 2005 when I may have left it at an ex-girlfriend’s house.  Yeah, 2005, I don’t have to dress up too often for work.

A pair of Nunn Bush dress shoes that are WAY more comfortable than stylish.  Kent is the model or whatever.  Kent is also the name of a Swedish rock band.  Highly recommend both.

and

Two pairs (one Haggar and one Dockers) of wrinkle resistant dress pants, ‘cause I can’t/don’t iron hung over.

I got all that crap for $22 after applying my gift cards.  That’s pretty awesome, eh?

I was considering going to Goodwill to grab a jacket, but think I made out better with Kohl’s as I wouldn’t have purchased second hand shoes.

Mom also hooked me up with a gift card to CircuitCity, which I planned to use for Guitar Hero, but I’ve not yet purchased (hint hint, PS2, please). 

With Apple reducing the price of the 1GB Shuffle to $50, and having a $30 gift card, I went ahead and picked up a silver Shuffle.  Sized as big as a book of matches, it will hold 200 – 250 songs, roughly.  I’ve got 150 on it now, about three quarters full. 

This will replace the spot in my backpack left when I decided to relegate my 4GB Green iPod mini to bedroom duty.  TheGirl got me a Sony iPod dock clock radio for X-mas, so greenie’s been living in the alarm clock.

Check the Shuffle out.
For $50 it’s a hell of a little mp3 player.

Nancy got me an eBay gift card, which is basically a PayPal.com gift card, which I didn’t even know existed.  Which brings me to my next thing of awesomeness on The List:
 
Buying Authentic Jerseys on eBay:
I started selling some of my replica jerseys on eBay a couple months ago.  While searching around and comparing prices I started finding new authentic jerseys that I liked at reasonable prices.  I’ve literally put together a heck of a collection.  With the gift card from Nancy, I got a navy Authentic Emmitt Smith jersey.  With the profits from my replica sales, I got a navy Authentic Witten.  I got a couple throwbacks too, a “double star” Aikman throwback (like the thanksgiving blue and whites they wear) and a long sleeve olde skool Bob Lilly – cotton, like a sweater.

Along the way, I figured out the difference between the Authentic, Tackle Twill, and Replica Jerseys.

The Authentics are the highest quality and most expensive.  A true Authentic from an NFL Team shop might run you damn near $300.  The Authentics are noted for their spandex-material side panels, embroidered numbers and letters, and cuffed sleeves.  My Emmitt Smith and Jason Witten jerseys are this type.

The mid range offering is the tackle twill jersey.  These also feature stitching instead of cheaper screen printing.  You’re not going to have the same thick material construction, or little details like the cuffs on the sleeves.  Most of the throwback jerseys are in this category.  My Aikman jersey is one of these.  These retail from $75 – $125

The cheapo selection is the replica.  Lightweight and flimsy, the logos, names, and numbers are screened on.  Retail is probably about $50.  These are also the only current Reebok jerseys that are sized with letters (S, M, L, XL, XXL, etc.) instead of numbers (48, 50, 52, 54, etc.)
THE “B” LIST:
Starbucks: Showing up this month for their ridiculous attempts to resemble a corner coffee shop despite the fact they’re on every metropolitan corner and every suburban shopping mall. 

Why do they bother having a “today our barista “Rob” recommends the skinny sugar free cinnamon dulce latte!” sign?  A normal coffeehouse might put that up, with the actual favorite drink of the barista, or whatever he or she made when he/she showed up at work.

But Starbucks would have you believe that baristas at every location in existence made the exact same recommendation for a solid month simultaneously.  Amazing. 

Every barista at every Starbucks is currently recommending that drink?  Does Starbucks corporate think we’re retarded?  That we wouldn’t recognize this fact?  Or do they assume that all of their customers go to the same single Starbucks. 

Maybe I’m the freak, probably visiting at least ten different starbucks locations per month.  And I’m not even a fan!  It will continue as I probably still have about fifty-eleven dollars left in Starbucks gift cards.

Ever notice that the barista don’t go by their real names?  I wonder if corporate marketing research determined that the name “Rob” tested better to their target consumers than “Steve”.  Test it.  Call the barista by the name on their tag.  See if they look up.  They don’t.

Wax:  Women, pay attention: I don’t wanna beat around the bush:  Stop talking about your waxing ways in front of dudes.  Here’s the new rule of thumb: If you have to wax something on your face, don’t talk about it to anyone that you would potentially want in your face.  Or mention it in his presence.  It creates a mental image in our heads, where we are picturing you with a mustache, like a real, honest to god Magnum, P.I. ‘stache.  This is one of those things that we should not picture.  Like you taking a dump.  Or giving birth.  It’s easier for us to imagine this type of thing NOT happening if you’re NOT talking about it in front of me.

Speaking of waxing:
Lawsuits: Innocent until proven guilty or rich.  Associated Press reports that Lindsay Lohan has settled out of court with busboy Raymundo Ortega regarding to their 2005 car crash.  This despite the fact that California Highway Patrol determined that Ortega caused the accident when he made the illegal U turn.  Isn’t that some shit?  I know, I know, it’s Lohan, but she actually wasn’t the guilty party and still got nailed for $200,000.  Hehehe. 

Steroids in baseball: I’m tired of reading and hearing Roger fucking Clemens blame everyone in existence for his screw ups.  The fact he admits that two of his friends and his wife used illegal substances, but he had no knowledge of any of it.  Bonds, Clemens, Canseco.  McGwire.  These were the names of heros of mine growing up…

Bluetooth: The only thing this device should ever be used for is DRIVING.  Or pissing people off.  I am so tired of people using these as part of their regular cell phone usage.  The technology isn’t that good yet.  It sounds like crap.  I have a co-worker that lives by his and it drives me fucking nuts.  I can’t understand him when he’s on it.  It seems to pick up everything clearly EXCEPT his voice.  And I have to remind him how much I hate it every time he calls me.  He’ll probably read this.  Take me off the fuckin’ Bluetooth, Brian.

Designer Eyewear: I got new glasses.  Versace.  I feel like they look good but feel like flimsy little dinks.  They already broke once.  I’ve have them for six days.  Two pairs ago I had Armani Exchange glasses.  They were flimsy, too.  What’s up with stylish glasses being made of metal that would be rejected for paperclip construction?

I had to replace my old sturdy ones after they “became mangled” in New Orleans.  That’s the second pair of glasses I’ve lost or damaged on site.  JSA should sponsor eyewear to those of us that wear it and consume vast quantities of alcohol.

lyric of the moment:
“balls out, my life is a slut,
this dick don’t hit the bottom,
but i fuck the sides up!”

 current word of the day: awesome

You know what’s awesome about Select-a-size paper towels?

NOTHING.

i love it when i need to grab a paper towel really quick and my hand comes back with a wad no wider than a square of toilet paper. 
that comes in handy when you’re frantically trying to clean up a spill.

Same with generic wal mart brand kitchen trash bags.  they get ripped faster than the spears family on dr. phil.  (god that was weak, and i really hate myself for it.)  but the bloom ones are fine.

Current thought:
PISSED.
eating an awesome flavored lean cuisine for lunch and i threw the box away, never to know again which variety it was…
i think i could eat this one like four times a day, though it might take four to actually fill me up.  And, as to why I’m eating a lean cuisine for lunch instead of a delicious sandwich from Chef’s: I’m trying to drop a few pounds. 
The holiday seanson is always a very deccadent time for me, and if i don’t do this, i’m going to have to buy all new pants.  FUCK THAT.
i was intentionally holding off on blogging as i didn’t really have anything to write about, so enjoy today’s nuggets.
i was also pondering drafting something really humorous after our company’s harrassment and discrimination training session: BUT I GOT NOTHING.

I got another Steven Seagal movie for Christmas.  Which is amusing.
Sometime in the early 00’s (is this how we’re going to annotate the first decade of this century?  I’ve taken an English class since ‘99 so I really don’t know)  my stepmom decided on bogus authority that I was a big Steven Seagal fan.
The reality of this situation is:
I MIGHT HAVE WATCHED UNDER SIEGE ONCE.
And that’s about as far as my affinty for Seagal goes.
It was right about the time I got my first DVD player, my stepmom must have decided I was the treasurer of the Official Steven Seagal fan club and that it was her intrinsic duty to bolster my burgeoning DVD collection with the man’s entire catalogue.  That, OR that  you can buy most Steven Seagal DVDs for $10 at Wal-Mart, and my step mom is a bargain shopper.  I probably average at least a pair of “new” Seagal flicks per year. 
So this year I got 2006’s Shadow Man a Seagal epic, currently rated with a paltry 4.1 rating out of 10 at imdb.com.
I’ve not wached it yet, but I might, either that or exchange it at wal mart for some toothpaste and/or lightbulbs.

FUCK YEAH!

Thanks Gary!

A couple weeks ago, after New England’s decisive defeat (48-27) of the Dallas Cowboys I received a snide e-mail from Pain, who is:

A) A Redskins fan
B) A Tom Brady fantasy football owner
and
c) The guy who was actually playing me, that week, in the company fantasy football league.
and also
D) Evidentially the type of guy to employ the use of a work related subject line to ‘trick’ me into opening said snide e-mail message instead of just deleting it.

So after Washington’s 52-7 abortion Sunday I thought about sending a spiteful reply to his original message detailing the loss: New England’s quarterbacks RAN IN an amazing THREE touchdowns and Tom Brady matched THOSE three rushing touchdowns with three, actual, touchdown passes.  Simple, LRX math would tell you NE QBs accounted for SIX touchdowns in the game, which, incidentally, is the SAME amount of touchdowns that Washington’s starting QB, Jason Campbell, has generated throughout SEVEN games this season.

But I didn’t.
I took the high road, kinda, instead choosing to send a generic, one-line ‘F the Patriots’ note, also thinly veiled as a work-related e-mail, with his original sneer attached below.

Don’t get me wrong:
I’m not looking for a pat on the back for my sportsmanship here, it’s really more of a situation where this guy, as my boss’s boss, has access to my employee file, computer, desk, and just about anything he wants to get his hands on while I’m out of town on business travel approximately fifteen times a year.  And he’s a vindictive fucker, too!
So i pretty much decided to not rub it in, for certain knowledge that he’d either paint my cube Barbie pink, try to exploit any weakness in the feeble security i’ve set up on my work desktop and group policy edit my machine to lock down a burgundy and gold themed desktop, or worse.  Probably much worse.

Anyway, he replied within fifteen minutes or so, with the typical, I didn’t expect to win, low expectations, and etc kind of grumble you only hear when folks truly realize their team has been bested.  he also brought up an interesting question – If the Washington defense is rated in the top 5, yet got kissing-your-cousin-at-a-family-reunion- embarrassed, who.
Can.
Stop them?

Not Indianapolis:
The NFL’s current champion and only other still undefeated team.  Indy has won 11 straight at home (where they play Sunday) and 12 straight overall.
Next week the Pats are going to make the Colts look like a JV squad, run the score up to something approaching ungodly,  go for it and succeed on fourth and a million and then, THEN belichick will personally punch tony dungy in the mouth.  Prolly call him a pussy too.

Certainly no mere football team can content with the Patriots in their current state:  I doubt even an all pro team made up of the very best in the game would be able to beat the Patriots, without at least a few months (shit, years?) of studying them.

I have the only solution:

Move the team:  Let’s move the New England Patriots to Old England.  Screw New England, Current excellence in sports permeates the Boston area like so much chowdah, with the Red Sox, Boston College and the Celtics promising so much (off season moves), no city, make that, no region in the US is so rich with sports fortune at the moment.  So let’s even it up a bit.  The NFL just played it’s first game ‘across the pond’ in the land of the jolly old union jack. 
Let’s see how well Brady finds Moss in a London fog.
The only Jet that could beat these Patriots would be jetlag.