diary of a crumpler

Read ‘I Am Such An Asshole’ Vol. 1 here.

in above-referenced blog i said:

“ i hate leaving the house unattended for days at the time.  I worry about thieves, vandals and freezing pipes more than i worry about cholesterol or lung cancer.  i am such an asshole.”

And now I have another thing to needlessly worry myslef with when I am away from home.
Apparently Glade PlugIns have been reported to spontaneously combust.  Now, I know and understand the before-mentioned link is a Snopes.com link.  I know it dispells the rumored urban myth, but if you RTFA you will see they qualify their claim with a $25,000 figure.

“Not only did none of them recall such a case from personal experience, but a search of their records for the last twenty years failed to turn up a single incidence of a structure fire resulting in damage exceeding $25,000 caused by a plug-in air freshener.”                             -Quote from Snopes.com,  emphasis added by crumplertech.net. 

 That doesn’t make me feel a whole heck of a lot better about the AirWick or Glade contraptions the girl has plugged in downstairs.  So we get blasts of fresh fragrance upon entering the home?  But what if it were blasts of FLAMES that cause $24,000 in property damage? 

As some folks that read this bastardization of grammar & other atrocities to the English language, already know – we threw a little shindig on Saturday.  (I hope) much fun was had by all.   

And if you didn’t have fun, well, fuck off, ‘cause you ate free food and drank free beer.  Life doesn’t get much better than that, a Saturday afternoon cook-out where you don’t have to do anything other than show up and consume things.  If you were strangely vexed and thought life was ever going to be better than free burgers and beer you need to wake the fuck up and do a little mental self inventory.  If you did enjoy, great, we’re going to do another one sometime after ASCO, you guys ‘n’ girls are more than welcome to come back whenever you’d like. 

So anyway, we had a little extra beer and a lot of leftover food.  One of the left over items was about 1/3 of a sheet cake from Bloom.  That is to say, I purchased a ½ sheet cake – and about 1/3 of that cake was eaten – leaving 2/3 of ½ of a sheet cake.  You don’t have to be smarter than a fifth grader to realize that leaves 1/3 of a full sheet cake, which is somewhere approaching 330 cubic inches of confection. 

That’s more than twice the displacement of most car engines you(’ll) pass(ed) on your way to and from work today.  All this math and seemingly useless comparison is really just Monday-speak for me, trying to tell you, how much fucking cake we had left over.   We were terrified this morning, to keep said cake in the house.  We both know that we will, over the next few days, consume every bit of yellow cake and white frosting.  Anyone who knows us and thinks otherwise is living a god-damned lie.  Bloom cake is an inexpensive, guilty pleasure.  Like Chicken McNuggets on the dollar menu, it’s something that was way too attainable to remain in our home for another day.  There is frosting on my fingertips as I type this… 

So we had to deep six the big cake.  Bring it to work, the moo-moos (not to be confused with Boo-Boos) we work with will gobble it down.  Put Ol’ Yeller down, so to speak.  So we packed the motherfucker in the car this morning.  When we arrived (late – FUCK!) this morning I courageously carried the BFC* into 11208.  I made it all the way into their Lunch/Production/ASCO Mailing Room/Suite NOC without anyone noticing the BFC. 

Glassy eyes and expressionless countenances met me as I cautiously entered the room.  A false step and I could get hurt.  There were four of them sunning themselves like fat lizards under the florescent glow of tubes of light.  I swear I saw one of them lick her own eye.   “What’s THAT?!?” – One co-worker asked, with the word “that” sounding approximately three active arpeggios higher in tone than the word before it.  She literally sniffed the sixteen feet of air between us and exhaled like one might on a post-coital cigarette.  

“Uhhh, it’s a birthday cake… We had a barbeque … Saturday”  I trailed off – they’d already stopped listening anyway.

I’d just set the BFC down and was ready to run, “ – you’re more than welcome to dig-“ 

The lid was off the box and three of them were elbow deep before I could finish the sentence.I retreated to Shanyn’s office and we listened to the cake’s final silent screams of terror as it was ripped apart by the butter monsters. *BFC = big fucking cake.

the summer of 2007 promises to be a season spent outside, for sport and fun.
and that’s not even counting a possible trip down to Saint Kitts.

i started playing golf last week when i was down in orlando last week.
oh, i use the term ‘playing’ extremely loosely.
what i do would be described by most folks using words other than ‘playing’.
‘floundering’ comes to mind.
so does ’sucking’.
and embarrassing one’s self.
with my ghetto irons i can make contact with the ball, but round and round and round she goes, where it will land?  nobody knows.

nonetheless, i bought a used set of cheapie irons and a bag, some balls and i’ve been practicing.  i’m going to try to play as much as possible.  i’m lucky.  there’s an inexpensive honor system driving range right off 28, about two and a half miles away from our place.  i’m pretty excited about it, actually.

the girl and i also picked up a couple titanium rackets and some tennis balls, only to learn that the ‘within walking distance’ middleelementary school up the street doesn’t have tennis courts.  but liberty does, as does cedar lee (i think…).  mentioned something about the tennis situation in front of danielle and she said i don’t strike her as the ‘tennis type’.  what the fuck is that supposed to mean?

anyway, i’ve got plans to go fishing with mat up in boston (jul. 13th – jul. 26th) at some interstate-side highly illegal lake/pond thingie that yields state record sized largemouth bass…

we’re going to try to stay out doors and active this summer.
heck – just the thought of cutting my grass excites me these days.

i have a new lawn mower and weedeater.
the weird thing is the workers that mow and trim the common areas have been taking care of our front yard lately.  Less than $40 per month to the HOA is getting me trash service, common area maintenance, and now lawn service and pesticide services.  weird.