diary of a crumpler

i don’t know that i’m completely sold on toilet paper.
not 100%.

we use paper to clean up after ourselves after using the toilet.
kinda unsanitary, don’tcha think?

i mean, when one of my 17lb. purebred dogs, which consumes a consistantly bland diet ‘goes’ on the rug, i use more than just a paper towel to clean it up…

we’ve got the stuff to disinfect, the stuff to neutralize the stink, and the stuff to avoid staining…
so why should the paper be good enough for me: 240lbs, not pure anything, with the dietary choices of a man on death row?

that’s kinda fucked up.

Selling organized religion is like selling fitness equipment on a late nite infomercials – the folks pushing it don’t need it and the folks that need it don’t want it.   lastly a lot of the donkeys that step up with their credit card will never use it, properly at least, for the rest of their lives.  All that Jesus’ing sits in the basement collecting dust,  and we could’ve put that pool table down there.

Yesterday Mat, Megan and I saw License to Wed as Mat has already seen Transformers (he said it was a let-down) and I’ve sworn against seeing a Harry Potter movie.  It was more feel good than funny, but not terrible (if you haven’t seen it, wait for the DVD).  Robin Williams’ little mini-me badass pastor steals his scenes, and it’s a bunch of the crew from NBC’s The Office if you’re into that.

i went to church today, for the first time in years.  i grew up mormon, whatever that means.  What I mean is, I never really identified with the religion, though, despite getting baptised into it.  The funny thing is, there was a lot of weird shit about the mormon religion that I didn’t get.  But those weren’t the questions I was asked by friends and schoolmates.   I was constantly answering stupid questions of my peers.

“Yes I drink caffine – you’re right I probably shouldn’t.”
“No, we can’t have multiple  wives (that was abolished like  150 years ago..)”
“No, we are Christians…”

After being inactive in the mormon church for a number of years, I actually tried to go back, a couple times in my teens,  A couple things kept me from committing, and I still just wasn’t into it…

Good thing too, ’cause all my boozing and whoring of my teens and twenties, totally would have gotten in the way of my being a good little mormon boy.

My only other religious experience was a dozen or so southern baptist sessions with my dad’s family down in Caroline, and a couple Catholic funerals or weddings (not much difference – to me at least, between a Catholic Wedding and a Catholic funeral, both are forever long, guilt-rich, and  unmemorable.).  All i got out of the baptist gatherings was a(n) (un)healthy fondness for fried chicken and watermelon.

So i don’t have a great deal of jesus experience under my belt…

i attended both the liturgical service, as well as the more “contemporary” praise and worship service at Bethel Church of the Nazarene in Quincy, MA.

Liturgical means “customary form of worship” or traditional.  This service included traditional Nazarene hymns, a sermon and a handful of biblical readings.  One might think that I, being “unchurched”, would prefer the praise and worship service, which is tailored  to a more casual style of service with contemporary christian songs replacing the old fuddy-duddy hymns and a shorter run-time, cutting out a few of the biblical readings.   pretty much the exact same sermon as well,  augmented by my little brother, with a special bit of preachin’ for the little ones.

Mat told me of a perceived problem of these new “contemporary” services, not just at his church, but at other churches within other denominations throughout the country.  This style of worship caters to the boomer generation that saw church growing up as a bunch of stuffed shirts and gloom and doom.  It is refreshing to the folks to enjoy a lighter gospel.  My generation though is different.  We’ve had MTV and the internet to entertain us for years.  Crappy contemporary christian music isn’t going to make it onto my iPod, so why would I bother.  Gen Xers and whatever generation Matthew and I belong to don’t need  church to entertain us – we get enough of that already.  We don’t see these new Jebus-pop-songs as anything more than attempts to blend pop-culture with religious overtones.  or something.  god help me if matthew reads this…

i was planning on totally ripping into Born Again Christians in this blog too, pointing out that the term born again comes from John Chapter 3.

So Jesus and Nicodemus were chatting one night and Nico wanted to know how Jesus was able to do the things that he did.  Jesus said one must be “ANWQEN”

Here’s where it get’s interesting…  That word, ANWQEN when translated from the greek is either “born again” or “born from above”.  Apparently the GREEK verb to be born can be misleading, whether we’re speaking about being born again or born from above.  Nico gets confused, Jesus clarifys and all is good.

Here’s the problem.
Jesus and Nico didn’t speak greek, but rather aramaic.   Greek is the only language where this could have been confused.  Jesus wasn’t reported to be fluent in greek, so this conversation couldn’t have taken place, in this context whatsoever.  If they were speaking in aramaic or hebrew – this confusion would have been impossible.

Born agains named their religious movement after a confusing greek mistranslation.

Way to go, jbell.

During its 2007 Session, the General Assembly of Virginia passed House Bill 3202 (Chapter 896), which was designed to provide additional funds to address various transportation needs in the Commonwealth. This law went into effect July 1, 2007 (See this link for a general explanation of the bill prepared by the staff of the Office of the Executive Secretary of the Supreme Court, which is the administrative office of the Virginia court system: http://www.courts.state.va.us/publications/hb_3202.pdf.). All fines listed will be charged for 3 years so a $350 fine will cost an offender $1050). The above link’s explanation doesn’t even list the points that can remain on your record for an excessive length of time. The bill itself is at http://leg1.state.va.us/cgi-bin/legp504.exe?071+sum+HB3202. Although there are many stiff fines appropriate to the offense, there are far too many excessive fines and points that could result from a simple mistake (driving with below standard tires results in a $300 fine levied for each of 3 years = $900).

Problems with this bill are:

1. The fines inflict a punishment on drivers that is disproportionate to the degree of the offense they committed.
2. The fines are mandatory, and judges are given no discretion in sentencing.
3. The language of the bill states that the purpose is to “generate revenue” and hence the fines have nothing to do with traffic safety.
4. The bill’s sponsor, Del. David Albo (R- 42nd District) is a partner in a law firm that specializes in traffic court cases and stands to benefit personally from this legislation. This type of conflict of interest should not be tolerated.
5. The fines in the bill apply ONLY to Virginia residents, hence unfairly creating different penalties for the same traffic offense based solely on residency. That means that an out-of-state resident or an illegal alien will get a much lower fine than a VA resident with a valid drivers license.
6. In order to generate additional revenue, points for driving offenses remain on the offender’s license for up to 11 years. This will unnecessarily increase the offender’s insurance rates for a time frame that is incongruent with the degree of the offense.

If you are interested in viewing or signing an online petition requesting the immediate repeal of this bill, go to:

http://www.petitiononline.com/va3202/petition.html You don’t have to be a registered voter to sign the petition.

325 million.

No shit?
Three hundred twenty five (insert your pinkie finger between your lips) million…
books.

That’s the number sold from the Harry Potter series, thus far.
WTF?!?
Almost a third of a BILLION.
…

I’m getting the impression that you’re not troubled or suprised by this.

Let’s put it in perspective:
If you gavea copy to every man, woman and child of the United States, Puerto Rico, AND Portugal, you’d still have an extra ten million copies left over. 

If J. K. Rowling, the author of the series, was paid a PENNY per book sold, she would have made thirty-two and a half million on the franchise.  Hopefully, she’s better negotiator than writer.

I see why Borders, Barnes & Noble, Amazon, and (insert your bookseller of choice here) are all hot and bothered about the pending new release, like a $10 crack dealer, they want the largest chunk of the newepisode’s action they can get.  I’ve been inundated with e-mails from all of them, some selling vouchers to be redeemed for the actual book after midnight, some giving away trinkets and plastic baubles. 

Good thing crack heads don’t have e-mail.

I’m having trouble adjusting to the idea that there’s this much hoopla for a children’s book. 

Maybe it’s a sad sad barometer of the state of literacy in this country and others,  that parents will literally jump through hoops (bringing little Johnny to Borders at midnight is jumping through a god-damn hoop.) to get their kids to read.  Maybe it’s a sad sad barometer of the state of literacy in this country and others, when adults wait in line to buy and read children’s books for themselves.  I’ve actually SEEN ADULTSbuying these books “on tape” for use on vacation.  You’ve got to be kidding me.

WTF?!?

Grown up books too tough or boring?  Read John Grisham.  I think he’s a terrific writer and his books are easy-readers – you don’t have to be a lit major to appreciate them. 

I think regular folks got turned off to books at whatever point, choosing to be more passive in their entertainment, choosing to watch movies over read, and when reading, never reading anything the least bit challenging. 

Folks, reading doesn’t have to be hard (well, reading my blog is sometimes tough, I have a penchant for run on sentances and abuse of words and expressions).  You just have to find something you like, (wizards, warlocks, and what-not in a British private school?!?!?  REALLY!?!?  C’MON!!!!) and something that interests you (wizards, warlocks, and what-not in a British private school?!?!?  REALLY!?!?  C’MON!!!!).

*And we all know I’m just bitter because J.K. Rowling is richer than fuck off this stupid little ditty.  I’ve honestly never read nor watched a single Harry Potter book or movie.

This is really fucking retarded, gay and immature, but I’m really fucking bored and trying to write more.  So just consider this an exercise in whatever…  Errrrrgh.  Well, fuck it here goes. 

1. Are you taller than your mom?
This quiz is obviously for adolescents…  For SHAME!
Yes, mom is 5′7″ or 8″.  Crumpler is over 6′.

5. Does anything hurt on your body right now?
Right middle finger.  Left knee.  Over a month ago, drunk, I injured myself in Chicago.
TWICE!

16. What’s something you want to do before you die?
Retire early.
Run >200 mph in a car.
>180 on a bike.
Write for a (silly-sick comfortable) living.

50. Slush Puppy flavor?
Shar pei.