diary of a crumpler

Burning the candle from both ends doesn’t get you ahead.
It gets you a mess of hot wax.

You work until the wee hours.
Your desk and dining room are a coffee table.
Caffeine, nicotine and a laptop.

The Television keeps time.
Sitcoms with dinner and a crime drama for dessert.
The evening news is a cocktail. 
Jay Leno’s pouring you another drink.
The infomercial is your last cigarette of the day.
This is your life.
Wash, rinse, repeat.
Heart wound tight as spooled copper wire while Head races through tomorrow’s tasks like a deer with his tail on fire.
Tick-tock.
It doesn’t matter if it’s eleven-thirty or three in the morning you will not sleep well tonight.
Tick-tock.
And the freight train slowly comes to a rest.

Flash forward to five-forty five.
It’s still dark.
The clock reads a counterfeit twenty past six.
Setting it ahead doesn’t make you clever at six in the morning.

You’ll punch the snooze button a few times until you’re actually late.
And then rush through your morning routine as inefficient as one can be on three fingers of sleep.

Now you’re late to work.

2 b continued.

A man in a hot air balloon is lost.
He sees a man on the ground and reduces height to speak to him.
“Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?”

“You’re in a hot air balloon hovering thirty feet above this field,” comes the reply.

“You must work in Information Technology,” says the balloonist.

“I do,” says the man, “How did you know?”

“Well,” says the balloonist, “Everything you told me is technically correct, but it’s no use to anyone.”

“You must be in business,” says the man.

“I am,” says the balloonist, “How did you know?”

“Well,” says the man, “You don’t know where you are, you don’t know where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault.”

Mardi Gras Prank for FUN and PROFIT

click the link and pass it on. 
i’ll update the blog as it goes along.

 current word of the day: awesome

You know what’s awesome about Select-a-size paper towels?

NOTHING.

i love it when i need to grab a paper towel really quick and my hand comes back with a wad no wider than a square of toilet paper. 
that comes in handy when you’re frantically trying to clean up a spill.

Same with generic wal mart brand kitchen trash bags.  they get ripped faster than the spears family on dr. phil.  (god that was weak, and i really hate myself for it.)  but the bloom ones are fine.

Current thought:
PISSED.
eating an awesome flavored lean cuisine for lunch and i threw the box away, never to know again which variety it was…
i think i could eat this one like four times a day, though it might take four to actually fill me up.  And, as to why I’m eating a lean cuisine for lunch instead of a delicious sandwich from Chef’s: I’m trying to drop a few pounds. 
The holiday seanson is always a very deccadent time for me, and if i don’t do this, i’m going to have to buy all new pants.  FUCK THAT.
i was intentionally holding off on blogging as i didn’t really have anything to write about, so enjoy today’s nuggets.
i was also pondering drafting something really humorous after our company’s harrassment and discrimination training session: BUT I GOT NOTHING.

I got another Steven Seagal movie for Christmas.  Which is amusing.
Sometime in the early 00’s (is this how we’re going to annotate the first decade of this century?  I’ve taken an English class since ‘99 so I really don’t know)  my stepmom decided on bogus authority that I was a big Steven Seagal fan.
The reality of this situation is:
I MIGHT HAVE WATCHED UNDER SIEGE ONCE.
And that’s about as far as my affinty for Seagal goes.
It was right about the time I got my first DVD player, my stepmom must have decided I was the treasurer of the Official Steven Seagal fan club and that it was her intrinsic duty to bolster my burgeoning DVD collection with the man’s entire catalogue.  That, OR that  you can buy most Steven Seagal DVDs for $10 at Wal-Mart, and my step mom is a bargain shopper.  I probably average at least a pair of “new” Seagal flicks per year. 
So this year I got 2006’s Shadow Man a Seagal epic, currently rated with a paltry 4.1 rating out of 10 at imdb.com.
I’ve not wached it yet, but I might, either that or exchange it at wal mart for some toothpaste and/or lightbulbs.